I frankly confess that I have not always measured up to the ringing descriptions of love given below, but regardless of my shortfalls of love or the inadequacy in this area by any other persons, the statements are true. Further, God requires me now to live up to every demand of love expressed in His Word and particularly those demands I have expounded on in this discourse and various other writings. If I purport to have shown the way to those who don't know the way, I myself am in serious trouble if I don't follow it.
Sex is not the main element in a good marriage, whether the couple is young or old. A marriage can never be a good one if there is no love present. Sex is a vital ingredient without doubt, but it alone can never sustain a marriage. This is well attested to by the many marriages that have foundered in the shoals of sex or, to call it correctly, lust. Sex is just one of various factors that are necessary ingredients in a good marital bond. Nevertheless a good marriage that has endured for a number of years can well withstand the strain of an involuntary lack of sexual intimacy.
This would not be a case of the woman's constantly saying, "I have a headache" or the man's failure to perform due to his trysts with women outside the marital bond. Those constitute serious flaws in the marriage. What we are referring to are valid instances of physical inability to perform by the man or the woman, or a lack of sex drive due to age on the part of either the husband or the wife.
Godly Love Is a Vital Factor
The above items may put a moderate strain on the union, but they will not break it up or even cause a need for counseling IF the following two items are present: 1) Both parties are saved, and 2) both parties love each other as God ordained they should. This certainly could not be the mistaken human idea of love, but the love that flows from God. Please read 1 Corinthians 13 (note that in 1 Cor. 13 the word "charity" in our present-day terminology should be translated, "love").
Human Affection Is Also Needed
I believe that in a good marriage there is primarily a godly love, and there is, secondarily, the human affection that the couple have for one another. But only the love that is epitomized and personified by Jesus Christ could have compelled Him to make the ultimate of all sacrifices as He did. This same type of love is a must in a good Christian marriage.
Great affection of one person for another can be a wonderful thing, but it cannot compare with the love of God. It is this love that we as Christians should channel toward our fellow creatures. I say "channel" because the only true love flows from God to us and we then direct or channel it to others. It does not originate with us. A strong affectionate bond may begin with one person and flow to another, but biblical love is not so; it cannot be conjured up by any mortal means.
It is evident that we should think twice, no, thrice, before saying so glibly, "I love you" to someone who strikes our fancy. It is also evident that if we don't know God we cannot know love. It is not in us. God alone dispenses love.
True godly love by both husband and wife will enable the marriage to endure any stress put upon it, but when human affection is present also, it further strengthens the bond and makes a life without sex more than just tolerable but pleasant despite the absence of sexual intimacy. This may be incomprehensible to any who lack affection for their mate, but it is true.
Now no doubt the situation just described calls for a marriage of more than one or two years standing, but it does not have to be one of thirty, forty or fifty years. Although there may be a mutual affection in the beginning of a marriage, it takes the passage of time to mellow it to a warm rosy glow and to enrich it to a satisfying nonphysical intimacy. If the love of God is present on both sides, the affection for one another will grow as the months and years go by – and in a good marriage that could be in a relatively short time. In fact, a good marriage, even if it's one of only two or three months and has all the right pieces in the right place, could withstand the disruption of sexual intimacy for any length of time. And the one deprived would still love and care for the other. But this type of situation calls for total submission to God on the part of the one who is so deprived. Nevertheless, it can be done. Godly love can conquer all things.
Couples who have been married for more than a few years find there is a deep sense of well-being and satisfaction in just being close to one another. This is not a matter of sexual intimacy; it is one of physical (without the sex) and emotional intimacy that goes beyond the limits of sheer sex.
You have grown accustomed to having one another around, even "under foot" at times, and when the partner is not there, a strong sense of incompleteness assails the other. Sex is not the answer to the need. The answer is to have the partner come back from the trip he/she was on or come back from being away just for a day on the job. This is affection and warmth and intimacy that does not come in a bottle labeled "Sex." It is a God-given prize given to those who earn it by faithfulness and love.
If you and your spouse are not oldsters and have been married a mere two, three or five years, you are certainly not left out of this select group. Do you love her? Does she love you? Is there even now a warm closeness between you? I predict that, if you both cling to the Lord, no carnal impulses that come upon either one of you can separate you. Your bond is now in the process of being established. If you have a good marriage, a mutual love and affection exist between you two and the grace of God will keep your marriage through the fires of hell.
Nor will faithfulness to one another be a matter of compulsion. The compulsion will lie only in the love of God that binds you and the natural affection for one another that makes the bond pleasant.
You Have Questions
There are a dozen questions that may arise in your mind at this point. I don't have the time nor the expertise to answer them all, but let's look at one of them:
We mentioned above that human affection "further strengthens the bond [of marriage] and makes a life without sex more than just tolerable but pleasant…" What if there is an incapacity to perform sexually by one partner and either one of the married couple does not have a warm affectionate feeling for the other despite loving the other in a godly way?
Now that is a sticky question. I am not a marriage counselor, so I will walk softly here and give my suggestions as one who adheres to the tenets of Scripture. If both are saved and continue faithful in the way of holiness, the marriage will endure. And, again, if both are saved and follow the scriptural description of love (1 Cor. 13), there will not be a constant bickering between them, although it may not be "a marriage made in heaven." In other words, it will not be perfect, but it will definitely not be hell on earth. In fact, if both are saved and both are praying persons, it is likely that affection for the other by the one who didn't have it will grow with the passage of time. It is intriguing how God makes up for our lack if we will only channel the love that God gives us, one to another.
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